Building Self-Confidence

It really stinks to make decisions without the person you discussed everything with for more than a decade. There was something greatly reassuring about talking about decisions with Chris; we talked over everything from the little insignificant stuff to individual work choices. I think he felt the same way when he was the one pulling the trigger. Now I have to weigh the pros and cons of decisions without Chris and stay out of my own unsure way. Of course I have family, good friends, and neighbors I can consult and I sometimes do, but it is not quite the same as having your partner available who has the same vested interests. As it turns out, life is full of decisions so this has been a major area of adjustment for me. I've needed to get over my lifelong habit of doubting myself and this is a work in progress.

Lately we've been on a streak of things breaking or needing maintenance. Nothing has been major, but all of these things are annoying and inconvenient. Each broken item has required assessment of the urgency of the problem and mental calculus of whether I can/should try to fix it myself, arrange for someone else to repair it, or replace it. If I do want to try to fix something outside my old wheelhouse (I'm sorry to admit that's most things), I need to figure out how to do it and whether we might have the tools in the house and where they might be. I am working on remembering that I am quite capable and trying not to be cowed when these mishaps arise. Let's just say it's a work in progress, my self confidence is not at a record high. Today though, today gave me a boost. I reached the end of the broken list, knock on wood! Before I reveal my major triumph, let me recount some of the others.

Let's start with an "easy" one, that is easy to figure out what to do from the menu of fix, outsource repair, or replace. I discovered a problem with my car on the first hot day of the season - the A/C was blowing hot air on us. Great. Obviously I was not going to attempt to fix this and the car is not ready to be replaced. I had a service appointment coming up in the following week and I hoped for the best that they could take care of it at the same time. At the service center, a couple hours and several dollars later it was discovered that there was absolutely no coolant in the AC system, the lines were tested for leaks and none were found, coolant was added to the system, and voila, I drove off with the windows rolled back up. That problem is in the rear-view mirror!

Another easy one - grill ran out of propane. This is not stressful, I have just not ever been the one to manage the grill. Luckily I'm good with gas tanks and had the new tank attached in no time. I grilled up some kebabs making sure to turn the burners down low just as Chris taught me. Low and slow, good motto for cooking the meat without charring the veggies. The plate of finished kebabs gave me a huge lift! We all chowed down with appreciation for a good, balanced dinner not eaten at 8:30pm as so many of our meals are after baseball games. (Cereal for dinner anyone? Frozen waffles? Hotdogs?)


Another easy one- I received a postcard reminder that the septic system needed pumping. Oh good, I had no idea when we did that last nor what company we used. I made the appointment, dug out the tank lid, the guy came and pumped it out, and all was reported to look good. Whew. That septic system is original to the house and sometimes weighs on my mind as a major problem just waiting to happen, but today's worries are enough for today. Maintenance item crossed off the list.

Here's one that was harder - at roughly the same time I discovered the problem with the car, the dryer quit working with a mysterious error code. To start, I employed my usual electronic repair attempt, turn it off and back on. It lit up when I turned it on and clicked when I hit start, but nothing happened. Per the infinite wisdom of the internet, I turned it off, unplugged it for several minutes, plugged it back in, crossed my fingers, and turned it back on. Still no dice. There must be a real reason... Next, I cleared the top of the dryer of miscellaneous items without another designated home, pulled it away from the wall, disconnected the tubular foil-like vent, and a cloud of dust and lint poured forth. When I looked into the vent, I could see that it had a thick coating of dusty lint as far as I could see. This was rapidly becoming less fun but at the same time, my hopes were up that I could fix this right away. I realized that among the items I had hastily taken off the top of the dryer was a long, thin, flexible brush. Aha! Chris must have used this to clean the vent. Without thinking or proper planning, I stuck it up the vent and scraped it along the insides and of course more dust and lint rained down on me. I scrunched the vent tubing together and worked the brush as far as I could. By the time I called that finished, I was more dirty than I think I might ever have been and repulsed that "clean" clothes could generate this much filth. Channeling Chris, I thoroughly vacuumed the space behind the dryer and the insides of the dryer lint filter. Then I reconnected the vent, pushed the dryer back in, plugged it in, held my breath, and turned it on. The darn thing emitted the same unproductive click. $%*&! I was at the end of what I could do myself, time as two kids were getting hangry upstairs, and my patience. I do laundry almost every day to keep the uniforms at the ready! Moreover it's been extremely rainy and air-drying clothes takes forever. I couldn't remember bringing an appliance repair person to the house before, so I didn't have a name ready to call. Back to the ever useful internet, found the town parent share FB page, found a name, made the call. The guy texted me back as I was leaving a voice message, came a few days later, and had the dryer apart in no time revealing an obliterated belt and melted pulley. Thirty minutes and several dollars later, the dryer works and I now have a person to text when the next appliance needs repairing. Also the vent is a lot cleaner, so there's that. I did that.

Fourth up: gas powered trimmer. The same day the dryer broke we had been doing some yard work. A few times a season we get tired of the overgrowth and trim the weeds, especially along the stone wall that Chris put in. There's poison ivy persistently sneaking from behind the stone wall and the weed trimmer helps hold it back. I have used this tool before and it's kind of fun. When I took it out of the shed, I smelled gas and N called out that it was leaking. We instantly saw the problem - a fuel line had degraded and broken. The return line looked dubious as well. Sigh... This looks like a minor problem that someone with know-how could fix. At first I assumed that would not be me and what a pain to figure out who that would be, but I went back to the internet and discovered that this is a common maintenance issue and easy to do. Off to Home Depot for a fuel line repair kit and I was ready to go. Unfortunately I should have continued my inspection of the tool before buying parts because the fuel filter disintegrated in my hands. Back to the store, which did not have the filter. I ordered it. Several days later it arrived. Once it did, I was able to make the repair with little issue. With some coaxing, the engine started! For approximately two minutes I triumphantly whacked weeds but then it stopped cutting them. The cutting string needed replacement. Sigh. Am I going to have to order this, too? I decided to search the usual places that Chris kept stuff like this. I found gas powered trimmer oil in the garage which will be helpful, and then in the shed I found a pack of unlabeled, wire-like, small, U-shaped cables. I disassembled the trimmer head and removed the busted up cutter "string", compared it to the pack, and smiled. Oh yes. I was going to fix this today, gosh darn it. It took a little bit to load the new cutter cable and put the trimmer head back together, maybe a few swears slipped out as some metal guide pieces kept falling out, but in the end I was successful. Goodbye poison ivy! This was a major do-it-yourself victory for me.

before

after

I could end this journal entry here with logistical, problem-solving decisions and I have half a mind to because I'm feeling ridiculously pleased with myself, but of course these types of new-to-me situations are only a part of my responsibilities. Parenting is replete with big, weighty choices as well as a million small ones. I wish Chris was here to parent our children, of course. He was really good at it. We had more than a decade of wading through together and we helped each other improve, and we built each other's confidence. We knew these children best and laid a strong foundation, and this helped us guide them together through terminal illness. When the situation became dire, we did get some coaching from a special program at MGH called Parenting At a Challenging Time (PACT) but we were pleased that our intuition was usually in line with the advice we received. When I anticipated the time after Chris's death, I worried a lot about being enough parent, the right parent, for the kids.

In retrospect, I see that we were very lucky that Chris did as well as he did for as long as he did. He made modifications and remained a fully present parent until just a few days before he died. When Chris declined rapidly, went to the hospice house, and died, I suddenly had to wing parenting because the situation changed quickly in unpredictable ways. My children needed the hard truths and I had to be direct with information. I could not consult Chris about the exact right time to tell them he would die, I had to make that call myself. When I did, there was no sugar-coating the fact that Dad was going to die. Soon. I had to explain what hospice meant and how it was different than Dad's hospital stay. Those were the right choices, but it still didn't prevent or ease the worst moment of my parenting experience - breaking the news to the kids that Chris had died. I had to do it and I did the best I could. When one asked repeated questions about cremation, I had to pony up and work through that honestly. When I saw that each child needed something different at Chris's memorial service, I had no qualms about letting one roughly wipe his nose on me and the other sit with cousins instead of me. It's what they needed, who cares what anyone else thought.

I managed all that and more by myself. Now that I think back on it, I see that I did not have time to get in my own way with self-doubt. The intensity of the situation required me to manage many things right away, parenting included, with no spare time to second guess decisions. I know I did the very best I could with each parenting move and I have zero regrets about any of them.

Following my intuition with what my children need has served me well in the time since Chris's death. This is not to say that it has been all smooth sailing or that I do not make mistakes, but it has not been as difficult as I feared when I anticipated this time. (I am SURE that I will regret writing those words since thirteen is coming in less than a year...) I thought it would be extremely difficult for obvious reasons, but also because I would constantly doubt myself. However, that element has not been part of the equation. I see that the unusual, intense, sad circumstances of Chris's illness brought us very close together as a family of four and now that it is just the three of us, I do not doubt my role with our children in the wake of his death. No matter how well I parent them or how many mistakes I make, there is nobody better suited to guide these children than me now that Chris is gone. Nobody else quite knows what it was and is like in our family in the way I do. We lived it together.

Things will change, they always do. There will be plenty of situations in which I do not know what to do. I hope that I can continue to improve my self-confidence and not worry about whether I am up for those situations. Nobody knows what to do in all cases, it is just not possible, and I am no different. But, I'm perfectly capable of identifying and tapping resources to manage new-to-me problems.