I want to put some thoughts down about Phoenix, but sharing them feels a little silly. No matter, I've gained a lot from being open in this chapter of my life. Here goes.
I've always wanted a dog, but there hasn't been a good opportunity. Grad school had too many long hours in lab and then once I met Chris, he was so allergic to dogs that a canine companion was out of the question. In the last year as it became clear that Chris would die, every now and then a thought crossed my mind - when he is gone, we will get a dog to help us heal. It was not something I talked to Chris about just as I tried not to burden him with most of my concerns for the future. In general, I tried to focus on the moment and not make any more plans for after than necessary. Chris had enough to worry or feel bad about and there would be time enough later. But, the idea was in the deep recesses of my mind. Sometimes in the wee hours of sleepless late December nights when I felt absolutely hopeless and alone, the thought would bubble to my mind's surface and wink there for a minute like a tiny string of holiday lights before I extinguished it. Even in those dire, desperate days, it was nearly impossible to fathom that Chris would actually be gone and I couldn't sit with that thought for long.
And of course Chris did die and we had to begin to face life without him. N basically read my mind and quickly asked if we could get a dog. The three of us agreed to work together to find a dog we all liked and move forward only when we were all happy with the decision. I cautioned them that it would take time, perhaps over the summer when my classes were done. Once we opened our hearts with serious intention, though, two of us wanted our dog N-O-W. We felt strongly that we would rescue a dog because we needed rescuing of our own by our new pet, and we started visiting shelters in search of a young adult dog who was already house broken so we could adopt him/her immediately. This turned out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. Many of the adult dogs in shelters had problems that we were not equipped to handle or were not deemed good with kids or simply had too little information for me to feel confident. We started considering a puppy to build his/her training from the ground up, seeing the potential for a strong bond from the start. It took a while to figure out if a puppy could work for us and then it took a few weeks to find her (and a couple of very disappointing trips to shelters), but Phoenix was worth all of it. We found her through the Great Dog Rescue New England, a shelterless rescue organization that largely brings dogs up from the South. Many times you have to adopt the dog without meeting him/her, but some of their dogs are fostered in New England and you can visit them, which was the case for Phoenix. We saw her "baby" picture on Petfinder and put in an application. She looked sweet, and the circumstances of her birthday and rescue name seemed poignantly fitting. As our irreplaceable person was leaving this world, our canine companion was entering to help us move forward and rise from the ashes of our old life.
After a phone interview, Phoenix's foster mom sent us more pictures and a video of the puppy's mother. We got really excited and then Phoenix came to meet us at our house since the organization does a home visit as part of their screening process. We "passed" since we do not hoard animals nor fight dogs in the basement, and Phoenix delighted all of us and passed our family "test" - this was becoming reality!
We picked Phoenix up on March 28th. Within minutes of arriving home upon adoption, she saw the dog bed we had purchased for her and jumped in it, knowing it was hers. Within 24 hours, she began to run to me when she was scared. The kids marveled over how fast Phoenix recognized I was the boss and her "mom." She slid right into our home and life, instantly becoming a member of our family.
Now that we know her better, Phoenix is an excellent pup - mostly friendly with dogs and people, not very barky, snuggly, and smart. She has made huge strides in house training, and she knows many commands and chooses to follow them sometimes. She hates rain and cold, and absolutely loves the sun. In fact Phoenix will roll on her back in the sun in favor of walking! She used to hate going for walks leaving from our house, but has recently gotten much better. Phoenix is my trail walking buddy, tromping around the local conservation land and state parks with me and sometimes my friends. We took her to baseball this week and she was the model dog, I was so proud! Phoenix is growing quickly and resembles a colt or black lamb with her long legs. Now that the neighbors have a six pound puppy the same age, I call Phoenix my giant puppy for she is enormous in comparison. Our pup was listed as a lab mix, but she may not have much lab in her. It doesn't matter what breed(s) she is, we have fallen in love with our houndish mutt, never to turn back.
Phoenix is working some puppy magic in our family. Although she could never fill it, she provides a welcome distraction from the vast void left by Chris's death. It's not that we aren't sad or don't think about Chris, it is that Phoenix puppies us gently forward in this new chapter. Why do I use puppy as a verb? It just fits. Phoenix puppies around in the yard and amuses us with her antics - frantic chasing after a toy, lazy ecstatic rolling in the sun, pulling out her play stance on us, herding us, prancing away when she's got something she shouldn't have. She puppies around in the kitchen putting her paws and nose up where she shouldn't, poking her head on our legs to be petted, sniffing around for food, licking the floor where someone spilled, chasing her tail. Phoenix puppies around in calm ways, too, sitting next to the vent where warm air comes out and slowly walking to her beloved dog bed to lie down late at night. Best of all she puppies our broken hearts by greeting each of us with a waggy tail and excited wiggles, making us laugh with her funny woofs and hound howls, cuddling on the couch, and snuggling at night in bed with each of us in turn. She is indeed our therapy puppy.
More than a few people have said to me that Chris would be very pleased about Phoenix joining our family. I wholeheartedly agree - Chris was crystal clear that he wished us happiness. It was hard to imagine how we could ever find those bluest of blue skies and better things that he emphatically wanted for us, but Phoenix fits the bill. Chris would get a huge kick out of the humorous situations with Phoenix and gently rib me when I complain about bad dog behavior "this was your idea you know." If Chris could somehow see our new smiles and snuggles I know it would bring joy to his heart, too. He would know we have not replaced him, we never could, but instead we added new love and he would see that it is helping us show our best selves to each other. I think he would be proud of us for taking this step.
I feel unsure a lot of the time in this time of adjusting to Chris's absence and being single. Making decisions without my copilot is hard. This dog decision was, too, but because Chris was so allergic to dogs, it felt appropriate that I handled it on my own. There were a lot of questions to wade through. Could I handle all of the work as the solo adult on top of single parenting two children? Would I have enough time to adequately tend to a puppy (and later, adult dog) with my job and our lifestyle? What would the expense be like? How would we manage vacation? At some point I finally came at it like this - I don't get to have my husband anymore and the kids don't get to have a living dad, but we CAN have a puppy. It's not rocket science. I handled much harder and weightier things in the last two years, I can manage this. People do this all the time. So I basically closed my eyes and leaped, and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made. And, I did it all by myself. As it turns out, I am quite capable of doing a lot of things solo. Phoenix is puppying me along in my journey to believe in myself, try new things, and be more open, and she puppies me to help bear my grief. I think the kids feel the same way. I sure hope they do.
I've always wanted a dog, but there hasn't been a good opportunity. Grad school had too many long hours in lab and then once I met Chris, he was so allergic to dogs that a canine companion was out of the question. In the last year as it became clear that Chris would die, every now and then a thought crossed my mind - when he is gone, we will get a dog to help us heal. It was not something I talked to Chris about just as I tried not to burden him with most of my concerns for the future. In general, I tried to focus on the moment and not make any more plans for after than necessary. Chris had enough to worry or feel bad about and there would be time enough later. But, the idea was in the deep recesses of my mind. Sometimes in the wee hours of sleepless late December nights when I felt absolutely hopeless and alone, the thought would bubble to my mind's surface and wink there for a minute like a tiny string of holiday lights before I extinguished it. Even in those dire, desperate days, it was nearly impossible to fathom that Chris would actually be gone and I couldn't sit with that thought for long.
And of course Chris did die and we had to begin to face life without him. N basically read my mind and quickly asked if we could get a dog. The three of us agreed to work together to find a dog we all liked and move forward only when we were all happy with the decision. I cautioned them that it would take time, perhaps over the summer when my classes were done. Once we opened our hearts with serious intention, though, two of us wanted our dog N-O-W. We felt strongly that we would rescue a dog because we needed rescuing of our own by our new pet, and we started visiting shelters in search of a young adult dog who was already house broken so we could adopt him/her immediately. This turned out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. Many of the adult dogs in shelters had problems that we were not equipped to handle or were not deemed good with kids or simply had too little information for me to feel confident. We started considering a puppy to build his/her training from the ground up, seeing the potential for a strong bond from the start. It took a while to figure out if a puppy could work for us and then it took a few weeks to find her (and a couple of very disappointing trips to shelters), but Phoenix was worth all of it. We found her through the Great Dog Rescue New England, a shelterless rescue organization that largely brings dogs up from the South. Many times you have to adopt the dog without meeting him/her, but some of their dogs are fostered in New England and you can visit them, which was the case for Phoenix. We saw her "baby" picture on Petfinder and put in an application. She looked sweet, and the circumstances of her birthday and rescue name seemed poignantly fitting. As our irreplaceable person was leaving this world, our canine companion was entering to help us move forward and rise from the ashes of our old life.
baby pic, maybe 6 weeks old
After a phone interview, Phoenix's foster mom sent us more pictures and a video of the puppy's mother. We got really excited and then Phoenix came to meet us at our house since the organization does a home visit as part of their screening process. We "passed" since we do not hoard animals nor fight dogs in the basement, and Phoenix delighted all of us and passed our family "test" - this was becoming reality!
Going home, about 10 weeks old
This is my bed!
Now that we know her better, Phoenix is an excellent pup - mostly friendly with dogs and people, not very barky, snuggly, and smart. She has made huge strides in house training, and she knows many commands and chooses to follow them sometimes. She hates rain and cold, and absolutely loves the sun. In fact Phoenix will roll on her back in the sun in favor of walking! She used to hate going for walks leaving from our house, but has recently gotten much better. Phoenix is my trail walking buddy, tromping around the local conservation land and state parks with me and sometimes my friends. We took her to baseball this week and she was the model dog, I was so proud! Phoenix is growing quickly and resembles a colt or black lamb with her long legs. Now that the neighbors have a six pound puppy the same age, I call Phoenix my giant puppy for she is enormous in comparison. Our pup was listed as a lab mix, but she may not have much lab in her. It doesn't matter what breed(s) she is, we have fallen in love with our houndish mutt, never to turn back.
near baseball fields
at local conservation land, the tree cluster that brings Chris to mind
she's been to work with me
she looooooves the sun
getting to be a long-legged regal girl
Phoenix is working some puppy magic in our family. Although she could never fill it, she provides a welcome distraction from the vast void left by Chris's death. It's not that we aren't sad or don't think about Chris, it is that Phoenix puppies us gently forward in this new chapter. Why do I use puppy as a verb? It just fits. Phoenix puppies around in the yard and amuses us with her antics - frantic chasing after a toy, lazy ecstatic rolling in the sun, pulling out her play stance on us, herding us, prancing away when she's got something she shouldn't have. She puppies around in the kitchen putting her paws and nose up where she shouldn't, poking her head on our legs to be petted, sniffing around for food, licking the floor where someone spilled, chasing her tail. Phoenix puppies around in calm ways, too, sitting next to the vent where warm air comes out and slowly walking to her beloved dog bed to lie down late at night. Best of all she puppies our broken hearts by greeting each of us with a waggy tail and excited wiggles, making us laugh with her funny woofs and hound howls, cuddling on the couch, and snuggling at night in bed with each of us in turn. She is indeed our therapy puppy.
bedtime hugs
boy loves dog, dog loves boy
let's face it, she's my buddy
More than a few people have said to me that Chris would be very pleased about Phoenix joining our family. I wholeheartedly agree - Chris was crystal clear that he wished us happiness. It was hard to imagine how we could ever find those bluest of blue skies and better things that he emphatically wanted for us, but Phoenix fits the bill. Chris would get a huge kick out of the humorous situations with Phoenix and gently rib me when I complain about bad dog behavior "this was your idea you know." If Chris could somehow see our new smiles and snuggles I know it would bring joy to his heart, too. He would know we have not replaced him, we never could, but instead we added new love and he would see that it is helping us show our best selves to each other. I think he would be proud of us for taking this step.
I feel unsure a lot of the time in this time of adjusting to Chris's absence and being single. Making decisions without my copilot is hard. This dog decision was, too, but because Chris was so allergic to dogs, it felt appropriate that I handled it on my own. There were a lot of questions to wade through. Could I handle all of the work as the solo adult on top of single parenting two children? Would I have enough time to adequately tend to a puppy (and later, adult dog) with my job and our lifestyle? What would the expense be like? How would we manage vacation? At some point I finally came at it like this - I don't get to have my husband anymore and the kids don't get to have a living dad, but we CAN have a puppy. It's not rocket science. I handled much harder and weightier things in the last two years, I can manage this. People do this all the time. So I basically closed my eyes and leaped, and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made. And, I did it all by myself. As it turns out, I am quite capable of doing a lot of things solo. Phoenix is puppying me along in my journey to believe in myself, try new things, and be more open, and she puppies me to help bear my grief. I think the kids feel the same way. I sure hope they do.
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