I open this website frequently and write a bit, then close it with work unfinished. Snuggling the pup always seems more attractive and/or someone needs something from me. I had written something a few days ago and then a bunch of stuff happened (e.g., engorged tick on a kid, many baseball practices and games). Now I don't feel like polishing it because I'm not quite in the same place this week... More on that soon. Or not. Father's Day looms ahead. It won't be easy. Here's what I had been working on. Might as well document that part of my journey.
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Here it is, the calendar is parked on another 8th, marking the fifth month without Chris. It feels like forever and just a blink at the same time. Two very different feelings right at the same time. It's a theme lately. One of my new widowed parent friends called it duality. Yes. I couldn't find that word myself but it's perfect. This new life is one of dualism.
It still doesn't seem possible that Chris is gone and yet I have to function every day in the reality that he is gone. When my mind goes over his last days, I still feel shock at the horror. But, I'm learning that it does no good to sit for prolonged periods in that space even if I cannot help landing in it from time to time. That time was part of my story and Chris's, and it deserves processing, but it cannot become the most important part. It will take time.
I have been allowing myself time with all of this. I'd love to take credit for making a good life decision about that, but it's less of a decision and more that it seems to be demanded of me by an unseen force. What happened was seismic and cannot be downplayed or gotten over quickly. This approach seems to be doing something. In re-reading some of the entries I wrote in the winter, I see and remember that felt like I might never feel any better or differently. I was stuck in my own personal February of grieving. Now, I'm in a somewhat different space but I can't quite name it or make it into an analogy yet. Even though there are still wild ups and downs, the average state is just a bit different and lighter. Some of that probably comes from being plain old busy with personal things - two kids in sports season, dentist appointments, a puppy, and a lawn that refuses to stop growing. Possibly I'm getting some relief from all of the therapeutic strategies I've deployed. Or maybe it's just the age-old saying that time helps to heal wounds, and time is passing.
Like the lush green explosion of near-summer, there are a number of good things happening for us right now. It's almost funny to write that given my kids' dad and my partner died. But still, there are. Quite a number of them!
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Here it is, the calendar is parked on another 8th, marking the fifth month without Chris. It feels like forever and just a blink at the same time. Two very different feelings right at the same time. It's a theme lately. One of my new widowed parent friends called it duality. Yes. I couldn't find that word myself but it's perfect. This new life is one of dualism.
It still doesn't seem possible that Chris is gone and yet I have to function every day in the reality that he is gone. When my mind goes over his last days, I still feel shock at the horror. But, I'm learning that it does no good to sit for prolonged periods in that space even if I cannot help landing in it from time to time. That time was part of my story and Chris's, and it deserves processing, but it cannot become the most important part. It will take time.
I have been allowing myself time with all of this. I'd love to take credit for making a good life decision about that, but it's less of a decision and more that it seems to be demanded of me by an unseen force. What happened was seismic and cannot be downplayed or gotten over quickly. This approach seems to be doing something. In re-reading some of the entries I wrote in the winter, I see and remember that felt like I might never feel any better or differently. I was stuck in my own personal February of grieving. Now, I'm in a somewhat different space but I can't quite name it or make it into an analogy yet. Even though there are still wild ups and downs, the average state is just a bit different and lighter. Some of that probably comes from being plain old busy with personal things - two kids in sports season, dentist appointments, a puppy, and a lawn that refuses to stop growing. Possibly I'm getting some relief from all of the therapeutic strategies I've deployed. Or maybe it's just the age-old saying that time helps to heal wounds, and time is passing.
Like the lush green explosion of near-summer, there are a number of good things happening for us right now. It's almost funny to write that given my kids' dad and my partner died. But still, there are. Quite a number of them!
The kids are both deep into baseball seasons. Julia is learning quickly and improving dramatically in her first season. She pitched two full innings last night! I'm so proud of her, she is the only second grade girl playing. There are two other older girls in the league and they are on her team, and these girls have been great for Julia. The boys have been inclusive and the coaches extremely encouraging, and it's been a really nice overall experience for her. Julia has made several defensive outs in the field and racked up several solid hits. She's having fun and wants to play again next year! I've thoroughly enjoyed helping with the team. There are some funny moments that you just can't make up. "Hey shortstop - you need a glove!" Some of the kids give the most charming smiles when they swing at pitches over their heads. The coaches and I sometimes can't help but laugh. It's done some deep good for me to be a part of it. I'm also so sad that Chris has not seen Julia play baseball. He wanted so much for her to feel empowered, and she does! The girl can be fierce on the mound and fearless at the plate. She's also sensitive and feels bad when she doesn't make a play or pitch. He would be right there drying the tears and giving the fist bumps.
Nathan continues to enjoy baseball as he has for years now. His team was in a playoff game tonight and he went in to pitch in the 3rd inning when they were losing 1-7. He pitched four scoreless innings and contributed to a rally that led the team to a W. Very exciting! He was extremely pleased to be on the mound for the win. In addition to his own team, he has gotten a kick out of helping with Julia's team, throwing batting practice and helping umpire in the field. The boys on her team find him fun and funny. He is indeed both fun and funny. Very soon Nathan will be going with a group of teammates to a tournament/camp near Cooperstown. It's supposed to be a memorable trip and Chris had been very excited for Nathan that he'd been invited to go. Right afterwards it'll be off to the district summer tournament. Nathan is looking forward to it all.
The mail today came with something I have been anticipating for several months - a letter from the president of the College. I was scared to open it... I had applied for promotion in rank to full professor. It was a ton of work, very much akin to a tenure review, and the process took months. I had to decide in the summer of 2018 whether to do it or not, and Chris was doing pretty well then so I went for it. Once things started to deteriorate for Chris, I felt badly pursuing the promotion but he would not hear of me dropping it. I tried to get everything done early and without my usual obsessing over every word. My classes were observed in late November, the last person attended class on the day that Chris went to the ER... I delivered the requisite giant box of materials to the provost's office on December 17th. Then, it was several months of silence as the case went through the system and process while my world fell apart. When the long awaited letter arrived, I didn't open it immediately. I wasn't sure how I would feel with either outcome. But, open it I did and the news was good. It felt amazing to have this behind me! There was a lot of sweat and tears that went into the years that led up to this promotion. I also felt very sad to not be able to share it with the one person who understood the ups and downs of my career and who believed in me through them all. Chris would have been thrilled for me and proud. He also would have insisted on margaritas and a staged picture to make mine look enormous. It was a running joke, now cut short.
Nothing is ever simple now. My recent happiness is of a sad variety, and my sadness can come with a side of lightness. Two or more feelings at once.
It is a good life, but I miss him so much.
It is a good life, and I miss him so much.
Nathan continues to enjoy baseball as he has for years now. His team was in a playoff game tonight and he went in to pitch in the 3rd inning when they were losing 1-7. He pitched four scoreless innings and contributed to a rally that led the team to a W. Very exciting! He was extremely pleased to be on the mound for the win. In addition to his own team, he has gotten a kick out of helping with Julia's team, throwing batting practice and helping umpire in the field. The boys on her team find him fun and funny. He is indeed both fun and funny. Very soon Nathan will be going with a group of teammates to a tournament/camp near Cooperstown. It's supposed to be a memorable trip and Chris had been very excited for Nathan that he'd been invited to go. Right afterwards it'll be off to the district summer tournament. Nathan is looking forward to it all.
The mail today came with something I have been anticipating for several months - a letter from the president of the College. I was scared to open it... I had applied for promotion in rank to full professor. It was a ton of work, very much akin to a tenure review, and the process took months. I had to decide in the summer of 2018 whether to do it or not, and Chris was doing pretty well then so I went for it. Once things started to deteriorate for Chris, I felt badly pursuing the promotion but he would not hear of me dropping it. I tried to get everything done early and without my usual obsessing over every word. My classes were observed in late November, the last person attended class on the day that Chris went to the ER... I delivered the requisite giant box of materials to the provost's office on December 17th. Then, it was several months of silence as the case went through the system and process while my world fell apart. When the long awaited letter arrived, I didn't open it immediately. I wasn't sure how I would feel with either outcome. But, open it I did and the news was good. It felt amazing to have this behind me! There was a lot of sweat and tears that went into the years that led up to this promotion. I also felt very sad to not be able to share it with the one person who understood the ups and downs of my career and who believed in me through them all. Chris would have been thrilled for me and proud. He also would have insisted on margaritas and a staged picture to make mine look enormous. It was a running joke, now cut short.
Nothing is ever simple now. My recent happiness is of a sad variety, and my sadness can come with a side of lightness. Two or more feelings at once.
It is a good life, but I miss him so much.
It is a good life, and I miss him so much.
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