Missing You So Much

I miss you so much, my love. Sometimes I can't stand it and I have to remove myself from the kids, lie down on the floor downstairs, and cry into the carpet. I'm just having one of those days today. I can't make small talk, I can't pretend things are OK, I'm thinking about you every minute.

Six months ago we were at an appointment as things were getting really bad. Regret hangs heavy over my memory of that day. I should have asked more pointed questions, pushed harder, advocated better for you. I wish I could have done better by you to ease your way out of the world. I wish I could have been better for you. 

I miss you so much. I love you so much. I am so sorry. MissYouLoveYouSoSorry. A million times over.

My heart has been waiting for you to come back to us even as it misses you with every beat. I don't know what to do without you. You made everything safe and fun and special, and now everything is duller, desperate, less than, lacking, missing. You wanted us to be happy and I am trying hard, but sometimes I have to give in for a little while. I can't force it.

I am so tired, Chris. It has been such a long slog over these years. You obviously know better than anyone how hard it was... You always advised me to go to bed and get a good night's sleep on the worst days. Always wise, you said that everything is easier when rested. You loved me so well that I have those memories to go back to. Thank you.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I wish you could be here to greet it with us. I'll try to make the most of it.