Just a quick report from the professional trenches. My first "real" day back on Monday was terrific! I was stressed about being under-prepared, but there was enough time to get the final tasks accomplished before my classes and they went well. Especially the chemistry class. The wonder of small-scale academic life is the fresh start feeling in the fall. New students who don't hate you yet, the personal vows to be more organized and work less at night, friendly chats with colleagues. It was an amazing high after the butterflies subsided. My new, temporary role has me running around campus and teaching in two buildings while holding office hours in two separate offices in different buildings yet. Compared to the semester that I never had to leave the floor that my office is on, this is quite a change. It's a bit crazy-making, but different is good. The theme of life is that trying to do the same old things minus Chris is terribly sad and doesn't work, but making small changes/additions helps. The same is true at work. My old office with all of my old pictures and memories feels stale and suffocating in its silence, but my new office is in a hub of activity. I can't help but be distracted by being busy, busy, busy with new tasks and interactions with students and faculty outside my department. Chris is never far from the front of my mind, and I noticed that I felt more peaceful about him. For a few stretches it felt like it used to, like he was in my life but just not actively at that moment. It was a normal feeling when I would be at work when he was alive - we didn't communicate too much during the day when he was healthy and working. The sharpest pang of loss came when I arrived at work and there was nobody to text to say, "At work, hope you have a great day!" It probably sounds dumb, but I keep realizing how many layers there are to my loss. The small gestures were so important to our relationship. Still, I felt like Chris was there for me as he always was. I'll take a good day when I get one!
The second and third days were less spectacular due to catastrophic computer issues and being without my laptop, but I guess you could say it all worked out. I'm full professor now so who cares if I look bad because I don't have certain documents. Not my fault! Anyway, I'm looking forward to catching up on lost time now that I have my laptop back. I'm busily at work tonight as one can see :)
The kids went back to school today. We enjoyed that first day of school excitement. Unfortunately there were bus scheduling problems across the schools and many kids, including them, were affected by long, long waits on both ends. They survived after sufficient venting while I had a glass of wine tonight. I think it is safe to say that it is already tiring but already good for the humans to get out of the house to school/work. The canine family member may disagree but Phoenix appeared to survive her long lonely day on the couch with no accidents and no chewing incidents. I shudder to think about how much howling there was at people/dogs passing by but, as the saying goes, out of earshot out of mind.
I need to get used to managing everything about the school routine again. Chris had been so wonderful about tag-teaming the packing of lunches and snack, signing forms, applying sunscreen and waiting for buses. It is awfully lonely without him. Also, there is just so much to do... I try to make sure I keep on top of dishes, laundry and some basic tidying, but inevitably something gives; right now there is a large pile of papers needing to be filed. (Phoenix better not get into it!)
The worst part of going back to school for me is the parent homework - forms. The myriad pieces of paper with duplicated information stating emergency contacts and such. Ugh, there it is. Christopher P Davie is still listed as father, thankfully, but staring me in the face is his legal status - deceased. Receives mail? No. Receives email? No. Child can be dismissed to? No. There is the cold truth laid out for me in neat type. This is not the first time I have had to update emergency contact information. The doctor and dentist offices have needed it, my own workplace has needed it. My stomach always churns as I delete Chris and add local family names. For the schools, the weight of listing friends/neighbors hung heavily over me. There is no spare parent, nobody else to pick up the vomiting child. That's too much to ask of someone else unless it is a true emergency. I hate this. We were such a good team. He should be here... He would be here if he had any control over the situation. The visceral pain of form completion is hard to describe.
The other issue with back-to-school that I now face is how to interface with teachers. I'm sure divorced parents face awkwardness and I have a newfound sympathy for them. However, they have strength in numbers whereas I'm an alien. This may change, but my approach is to take the bull by the horns. I fired off an email to J's teacher last night to open the lines of communication. Things are going well, but who knows what might change and I need to be vigilant, and I need help from the people who are important in the kids' lives. Actually, I worry most about anticipating school projects about family. My approach to life is to be direct about our loss. It is monumental that Chris has died, there is no beating around the bush or hiding it; I'm committed to speaking of him. The kids need to have a choice about how to handle it, though. They are learning what they are comfortable with. I don't want them wondering what to do about a Father's Day project. Especially in elementary school, I think it's important that the teacher knows and can talk to me about how to handle these things before they occur. Anyway, I think contacting the teacher is critical and yet I still feel awkward, because it stinks, but it's done now. To the teacher's credit, I received a nice reply. Middle school is a different ball of wax. Still thinking about that. They did a great job last year and N is in a different developmental stage, with quite different school projects. I'm not as worried about playing active defense for him. We do have a great school district and there is a lot of support.
That's the round up. Mostly good, some bad/unfortunate, some excruciatingly painful components of back-to-school.
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