Anxiety, The Missing "Stage" of Grief

Currently I am gripped by a debilitating anxiety about going back to work full time and the kids going back to school. The onset of the "new normal" is breathing down my neck and I feel far from normal.

Somewhere I read something about anxiety and grief in which the author called it the missing stage* from the traditional model. I'm a bad student and don't recall my source but I remember the quote distinctly because it resonated with me. Anyone who knows me knows that I run anxious, but right now what I'm feeling is different. I have taught my classes before and it is not rocket science to get them started. Yes, I'm taking on an interim new role but there is a lot of support for it. None of this should or normally would be causing the constant flippy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is all tied up in muddling through living with loss.

Much as I know the routine will be good for the three of us, I really don't want to leave our summer cocoon where nobody expects much from us. I do not want to start a brand new school year without Chris. Last year he was able to go to the elementary school open house and was fully involved in kicking off the year despite it being a difficult, uncertain time. Now he is not here.

The anxiety creeps up when I stop living one moment at a time, and that is now necessary because functioning in today's world requires concentration, planning, scheduling, timely communication, and execution of all of those plans. Everything is different now. I don't want to think about how it is permanent nor project into the future when the kids are grown and flown, but I am doing that. I don't like what I see ahead of me and there's nothing I can presently do to fix it. Hence, massive anxiety.

It will get better, I do believe that it will. I've made mental plans to take some steps to make life easier, like hiring a cleaner a couple times a month. Minimizing stress will be key, as will getting exercise worked back into the routine. I just need to get a few weeks into it all. Likely the return to work will be good and healthy for me. Best of all, I get to do it with a new job title which means that I don't need to prove myself. I already did. So take that, anxiety!

*Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first described these stages for the terminally ill, not for those living with loss. Much has been written about the shortcomings of the 5 stages of grief for survivors of the death of a loved one because they are not sequential for everyone and the phases can return repeatedly over years.