I Went to the Mat

There are dark days. I doubt myself, second-guess decisions, believe everyone would be better at managing the things that were dealt specifically to me. There are so many different feelings now that time has passed and nobody understands; the suffering is incredibly lonely.

But sometimes, when the light is perfectly right as the day is drawing to a close, I know that I did my best. Even though I stumble, I continue to do my best – for our children, for me, and I remember that I did for you, too.

I went to the mat for you.

I raised my voice and demanded attention.

I sought the best help that I could find when I realized it was all on me, no longer in your hands but completely in mine.

In the moments it mattered most, I was decisive when all eyes were on me to make the call.

I never gave up.

Even when I was tired and needed to step out, to attend to the other people who need me.

Even when I sought mental escape.

Because I did nearly break and need a minute, from time to time.

Of course I did. Because I am just one person, one human being, I needed to breathe for a minute.

I still went to the mat for you, for the best ending you could experience, for the least trauma for all of us.

I knew then that my best was not going to result in you being able to stay one minute longer than biology would allow. I know now that the pain of separation seeks blame, any deflection from a direct hit, so hating myself for everything is normal. I can’t blame myself for what happened, and I really don’t. In the same way, I’m working hard to not blame myself for the now. It simply is.

I am doing my best.

I am going to the mat for our children, for me. So we might be able to fully live with moments of joy.

Please. Help me believe these words.