Constant Juggling and Missing Him

An ocean churns in my mind, every single day. I come here to document it when I can, because it helps. It is sometimes a good thing when I don't write because I'm in a good place, but sometimes I'm in a bad place and avoid doing helpful things... Time to jot a few things down.

...

 I'm tired tonight. I feel one hundred years old. I wake most mornings thinking of Chris and pondering this less-than life, wondering what the hell happened and what it all means. I struggle with this late pandemic existence, trying to forge meaning or at least beat back apathy when there are still so many limitations and necessary precautions to take.

I miss him. 

How many ways can I say that?

How long will that be the undercurrent of my consciousness? 

What will it mean when I am not crying that I miss him with every cell of my being? Will that ever happen, anyway?

...

I messed up tonight. Nothing major. It just broke my spirit a little. I had shuttled kids around to different locations and was finally relaxing at a game, feeling a bit smug because from my chair I had ordered Thai takeout from a new-to-us place on the route home. As the game dragged on, I realized that I should check the restaurant's hours. Shoot. It was 8:15, top of the 6th with home team still needing to bat, and this place closed at 8:30. Shoot shoot shoot.

I decided to leave the game to pick up the food and come back for the child. I hoped I could make it back for the end of the game, but still I messaged the coach regarding my whereabouts, feeling like an idiot. Of course, the game was called for darkness as I was several minutes away. In the end kiddo only waited a few minutes and survived just fine. The food was not wasted. It was okay. But, I HATE this. I absolutely HATE this life of constant juggling, needing help, being out of control, feeling like a loser. 

...

The worst is feeling guilty for hating this. Chris would be here if he had any choice in the matter. Why can't I have a better attitude? 

It is time to go to bed. He always advised me to do so when I was in such moods. Everything is worse when you're tired. My husband was always wise and full of compassion for me. I will try to channel it now to show myself.