Unconditional Love

Love seems to come from some innate place, one that is not controlled by rational choice. Sure, the beginning of most loving relationships is usually initiated by a conscious decision excepting perhaps a child’s love for a parent, but as it grows, love becomes instinctual, intuitive, involuntary. A force of its own.

Does that mean humans don’t distort love, misuse or even abuse it? No, of course not. There will always be the dark side of humanity. But the best of our human capacity to love is when we offer it benevolently and even unconditionally.

For a long while I thought unconditional love was reserved for parents, responsible for bringing their children into the world in the first place. At this point, I have been a parent for a long time and I have experienced how intense the love for one’s child is, right from the start. The feeling of your newborn transferred into your arms - all slippery and awkward and loud - oh, HERE you are, little love. I would do anything for you.

But it’s not all roses from there, is it? I know firsthand that unconditional love for children is a real thing, but not one that is easy. When your child struggles in any way, you want to fix the problem and the awful truth is that some things are not fixable by another person or, in some cases, at all. Further, this kind of love involves being the bad guy, the punching bag, and still giving another chance to hit the reset button. Still, I love those kids with all of my heart in a way that they can’t understand, for no child can truly grasp the specific and vast nature of her parents’ love.

I think quite a bit about how Chris included a promise to love me unconditionally in his wedding vows. When he shared them with me at age 26, it made a big impression and gave me pause. Did I really deserve unconditional from Chris? After all, I have many flaws… 

Colby, that line of thinking was missing the point completely! Unconditional love means the beloved does not need to deserve or earn it, or for it to be deemed fair. Remember the “un” in unconditional…

Fast forward to now, the present time in which I feel approximately one hundred years old after everything that happened. Through all of his burdens and challenges, Chris was faithful to everything he promised on our wedding day. He did indeed love me unconditionally. We rarely argued, but when we had our moments, he always saw the good in me and offered me his best self. He was shiningly proud of me and my accomplishments that were separate from him. He always believed in me.

For my part, I loved him back just as unconditionally. It doesn’t mean I knew what to do all of the time. It means I was proud of him, enjoyed him, supported him, laughed with him, listened to what he needed to say. In the hardest of times, I honored him as a person with dignity, and fought for his care and wishes. I loved him to my core, and I still do.

Even though I still have desperately difficult days when it is hard to set aside the hollowed out missingness to dwell in gratitude for Chris, I do not claim that his love is gone from my life. It is still here. I just have to work to get out of my own way to find it now without his physical presence. I am learning to listen for it in my memories, to see it in my home, to feel it when I need him the most.

Yes, I can still draw on that love even though he is not here. It allows me to forgive myself as I remember the mistakes and my regrets from the late stages of his illness, for there was not one single thing I ever did that Chris did not forgive. His gentle, steady love is still with me now as I explore and create new things, as I guide our children alone, as I struggle and stumble and wonder what on earth to do with my life. His love is very much here as I continue to muddle through, now two years past having him at my side.

Reflecting tonight as I wipe away tears from missing him, I am humbled that my life is full of rich relationships and love. Chris, our children, my family, his family, my dear friends old and new… I have so much love in my life.

Additionally, I have shared a special kind of unconditional love for two years now. Some might find it silly, but my pup Phoenix loves me with incredible abandon. Even after I’ve driven her to hide under the table because I raised my voice, even after I have chased her down and lifted her into the bathtub to wash her. She loves overtly and enthusiastically, with whole-body wags, up on hind legs hugs, and exuberant, persistent doggy kisses. She prefers to sleep with me for the duration of the night, and sometimes resting next to me is not close enough - she must sleep with her head and neck draped over me. Funny enough, even considering her tendency to hog the bed, her sensitive stomach, that awful howling, and her terrible jumping habit, I love her back just as unconditionally. There is nothing she can do that I won’t excuse just for the chance to scratch behind her silky ears and draw her slender head to mine… The absence of a shared spoken language heightens every nonverbal interaction. This love is a luxurious love, and a pure one. She has saved me in so many ways.

There is so much love in my life, offered and given unconditionally. How lucky I am. All is not lost, far from it.