Fearless and Never Sad Are NOT My Goals

Time passes and, with it, change quietly, persistently, and inevitably rises within me.

I appreciate and even revel in the brilliant fall beauty that surrounds me, enjoy healing laughs with friends, and yes, delight in new connections.

Despite those wonders, I still grapple with regret. My fight with fear rages on as I wrestle with anxiety. I often feel the sickening dread of future losses. Under it all, I continue to worry that I am doing this all wrong…

My new place is both unrecognizable and familiar. I want so much to carry this all gently, to bear it with more grace, but change is not easy, nor is it always peaceful.

Helpfully, I remember that I am the captain of my own ship. Alone, I set my goals. The pressure of the post-traumatic, still dramatic world I live in can be shed if I decide to leave external expectations behind.

Tonight, I choose to say that fearless is not my goal. I reject never sad as an ideal. These are both unattainable; they will not be my aspirations. Similarly, graceful is not my way when scrappy serves me so well. I don’t need to make this look easy. I will put aside all of these unrealistic aims.

Instead, I recommit myself to the pursuit of meaning.

I already know it can be found when I feel deeply, amble through the past, and remember honestly. I see now that new meaning can be found when I go out on a limb, seek true connection, freely share, nurture love.

None of that is necessarily congruent with fearless, nor does it mean I won’t feel sorrow over what happened and what will never be again.

Happiness, fear, grief, and joy will have to make friends with each other because it seems they will always claim competing homes in my damaged, healing heart. It is messy; it is many feelings at the same time; it is all a beautiful and sometimes terrible gift.

This is my new chapter. I find myself looking forward to the fresh page that tomorrow brings. This is progress.