18 Months

It's been weighing on me, today marks a year and a half since you left. I don't understand why it seems to matter, it's just another of the 547 days I have spent without you, but it feels like a milestone and it does feel different.

Much of the time I feel incredible gratitude for you and the blessings of our life together, but today is not one of those days.

No, today the intractable whys are front and center.

Why did it have to be you?

Why did this happen to our family? 

Why does this happen to anyone?

Why do I have to live without you?

Why wasn't it me instead of you?

WHY???

The futile whats occupy my mind, too.

What was it like for you?

What could I have done differently to ease your way?

What would you think of how the kids are doing?

What am I doing that would annoy and concern you?

What am I doing that would make you proud?

And, I'm mad. I am very angry at the normal families present at the fledgling town baseball season. I can't talk to the other parents at all because I seethe over everyone who is here when you can't be.

Even though that anger is natural, it feels shameful. For some reason I don't think you would have been loathing everything if our fates had been reversed. But then again... You were human, too. Perhaps you would have had your bad days with your own irrational feelings.

I feel selfish because I am missing with stunning acuity what you gave to me, specifically and uniquely and by choice, every single day - unwavering support, unconditional love, uncomplicated companionship. You were solidly in my corner and you always had my back, and you made sure I knew it. You chose your words carefully to say what you meant, and you sincerely meant what you said about me. Repeatedly. Yes, I can still laugh about your signature repetitiveness. You always did, too.

Today I miss you in a wounded way, in a guttural, ugly way, in a forceful way.

I @#*&ING MISS YOU!!! has run through my mind a hundred times on this day. Nice, huh?

It is a sickening feeling to be clawing at the emptiness for you in this way, for you were always gentle, kind, and calm. You somehow rose above the desolation, you were never desperate. I don't understand how you managed to live in the shadow of death for so long and still allowed the light of your love to shine so well on everyone important to you.

I don't understand why you had to go through what you did at the prime of your life.

I don't understand anything. 

There is no why, is there? It was what it was then, and now it is what it is.

I miss you.

I love you.