One way to deal with a breakup is
to write several thousand words to process the experience. According to the wisdom of my dating coach friend, that way is perhaps rare; most people take a different
approach and immediately jump back on the apps. Ugh. I hate this so much, does
nothing mean anything anymore? Still, Coach had good advice for round 1 so I
decided to listen.
Coach lovingly reminded me that I
was on a dating app for about two minutes before connecting with GUY, so for
Round 2, I needed to really give it the old college try to understand how this
works. Let’s recall that I had an impressive GPA so that means giving it a lot
of time and effort…
Now, I’m resurfacing to process everything
again! Here’s the dump of knowledge gleaned from Round 2 of online dating, perhaps
appropriately referred to as the good-bad-and-ugly highlights.
(If you read this and are happily
paired up, well, just be infinitely glad you aren’t me and go hug your partner
a good long while.)
1. If anyone can contact someone
without first matching, you will receive a bunch of messages from people who
are decidedly not your type. (Bad/ugly)
I was not eager to see my old
messages on the app I used before. So, with great trepidation, I tried a
different one that allowed people to contact one another without necessarily “matching”
first. I won’t say that I had a horrific experience on it, but I had to leave
it within 72 hours after receiving multiple introductory messages of the sorts:
U R 2 beautiful 2 B single!
Why U singel?
Sup, you working?
No. Just, no.
2. I am not going to be highly
sought after in the pool of single men in the age range of 40-50. (Good, I
think, after interacting with this general dating population more broadly.)
It’s fine, I know myself well and
I figured that this would be the case. This is true before dropping the widowed
only-parent bomb on potential suitors!
Look, I don’t want and simply
cannot have a glamorous hairstyle that needs cut-and-color every four weeks; I
don’t have that kind of time or inclination. It’s fine for other women, just
not this woman. Similarly, I do not dress stylishly nor provocatively, and I don’t
post witty banter in my profile. I am me, and I like me. Personal authenticity
is something I absolutely will not compromise, so my genuine dating profile is
not particularly eye-catching in the disposable culture we live in.
This was all confirmed on the new
app with more freedom to contact people; not one man who could be my type contacted
me first. This was really depressing. I did go for it and message several
men who seemed remotely like my type. A few wrote me back and I ended up exchanging
messages with a couple of nice guys, one was even a minor league baseball
player! Everything petered out quickly, though, and then I deleted the app.
Back to the first app I tried in which both people have to select the other as
a potential suitor, there the woman writes messages to guys that are matches
(for hetero-seeking situations).
3. I have a weakness for the
intellectual/professorial never-been-married, no-kids type, but it doesn’t work
well. (Bad/disappointing, because I seem to be a good personal fit but the fact
that I have two kids is like an ear-splitting alarm to these guys. Good,
because I should know what I’m contending with. Not ugly, just a bit sad.)
In round 2, I messaged with a
handful of seemingly intelligent, notoriously single, non-parent men. Each of
these were delightful to engage with at the start! Nobody commented on my looks
and more than one asked what I was currently reading. They openly found me
articulate and smart, one even said outright that I was not like most other
women on the app! Uniformly, things went south once we began discussing hobbies,
free time, and the dead husband thing. Oops, I have two kids not close to
graduation…
I am a bit sad because I found these
lifelong bachelors to be enjoyable to talk to, but I don’t see how anything
could possibly work out with one of them in this time of my life. I don’t blame
these guys; I understand that I have a metric ton of responsibility that they can’t
relate to, don’t have interest in, aren’t up for, etc. I won’t absolutely rule
anything out for future rounds, but I had enough of the same kind of experience
to turn my focus.
4. Talking and video chatting
help this process a lot. (Good for a widowed parent with little free time, and
good in the age of covid19!)
To be fair, one of the older, lifelong
bachelors (let’s call him M) messaged to ask if I’d like to talk using the app
phone function instead of endlessly text. I read his message, closed my eyes
for a minute, then surprised myself by agreeing. At the appointed time, my
stomach was full of butterflies. I wasn’t particularly nervous about talking with
M, I was mainly concerned about finding privacy away from my children within range
of wifi. I accomplished this by lurking outside in the shade at the weedy,
chimney side of my house (it is so fun to be me...).
I ended up chatting with M for
nearly an hour. He was kind and intelligent. He shared his thoughts about the moms
he had connected with – he largely finds that they are selfless and focused, as
he said I seemed. It was a good conversation, I just did not get the idea that
we would be a good fit for each other. Later, we messaged a bit more, and then
I thanked M for a wonderful dialogue and we parted ways.
The interaction with M taught me
a couple of things. First, similarly to what Coach suggested in Round 1, quickly
pivoting from messaging to a more personal form of interaction can really help
you understand if the person is promising. Particularly in the age of covid19,
why not talk relatively soon? I actually channeled M after this experience and proactively
invited two different men to video chat!
(Seriously, who is this virtual
socialite I’ve become???)
5. A divorced dad’s situation is
not the same as the widowed parent scene. (Good? Bad? Ugly? Let’s say it is
just going to be a challenge. Where are the widowed dads in their 40’s? Oh.
Right…)
I am going to toot my own horn - at
first, I was a reasonably hot ticket in the divorced dad scene! When I started
swiping right with focus on the men who indicated they had children, I matched
with many of them. I pulled out all the stops and messaged most of them, and many
of these divorced dads wrote me back almost immediately. More than one even told
me in a nice, appropriate way that I had a pretty smile! I was grinning a lot as
the message notification popped up frequently in the app.
Still… The conversation almost
always turns to the circumstances of singledom, it is part of the due diligence
phase. Once you drop the widowed only-parent bomb, a lot of these guys disappear.
I was immediately ghosted by a couple, but more common was a nice reply but
then no further messages.
Here is my interpretation of my
experiences. Many divorced parents have shared custody which lands them with
more free time than they used to have. So, the divorced dads are looking to
have some fun in their time off. The widowed mom experience is opposite because
there is now way more on her plate with no significant, routine kids-free time. It can be a non-starter
to the divorced dads. Since there is always a deep dating population to swipe
through, why would these guys waste time on someone who would be hard to date?
Turns out, most wouldn’t.
6. I’m a one-at-a-time person.
(Good, it suits me.)
The game is one of numbers. In
Round 1, I definitely didn’t understand how it worked… Now, I do.
First, you winnow it down by swiping
and matching. Next, you further narrow the field by sending out a bunch of messages
that are frequently ignored. Nothing personal, maybe you weren’t brassy enough,
or maybe they were busy with work and couldn’t reply in time. Then, you carry
out some surface chit-chat with several people and see where it goes. Finally,
you try to talk (and in pre-covid19 days, meet) with a few.
I don’t like getting to the point
where I’m talking/video chatting for a second time with more than one person. It
feels like a reality TV show where I’m deciding who is worthy of my FaceTime allowance.
Here, you get the rose, let’s talk again at 9:45pm tomorrow!
I may not be like other people.
Or, maybe I am. I don’t care either way. It just feels dishonest to get more
involved than a first meet (talk or video appearance) with multiple men. So, I’ll
do it my way because at this age with my lived experience, it is the only way to
go.
7. I am going to be
disappointed. Frequently. (Bad/ugly. I know what I want, where is it???)
Round 2 neared completion with a
finalist identified, a divorced dad (let’s call him D). We FaceTimed for hours over
a couple of nights. I think we were both surprised that we felt as much in
common as we did since not many of our personal facts are particularly similar.
Gasp, he’s not a scientist…
D is really sweet – he followed
up after a video chat with a classy text thanking me for a great connection. On
another occasion, he told me that I am cute and fun, without any kind of
weirdness. He also gave me his real name so I could look into him. Who could resist, right??? We decided that with a stretch of nice
weather ahead, we would meet in person for takeout and have it in a public park
to be socially distanced.
The day came and… he had to
cancel. Not for anything to do with me; I do not feel rejected. I was just
disappointed. He apologized profusely and we agreed to reschedule, but that
hasn’t happened yet. The magic seems diminished in our subsequent communications.
Maybe D and I will continue to be
in touch and actually meet, but it feels like I can already hear the bell
ringing on Round 2.
8. I learn something about
myself, my life, dating, and other people from nearly every interaction of
substance! (Good, sometimes bad/ugly)
Happily, I’m a much more mature
person than the last time I dated in my twenties! The ups/downs are not so
awful as I remember. I'm a catch, darn it! If these guys don't think so, their loss.
I crave social interactions now
that I’m single. My friends are amazing and I’m incredibly grateful to them,
but even the best friend is not the same as having “a person.” I’d like to find
my new person, and I’m doing what I can! Who would ever guess that I would
invite strangers to video chat??? Mid-life growth is good.
Unfortunately, this quest is complicated
– on my end of course, but also the other. People want different things, don’t
know what they want, have their own baggage to manage, etc. Timing is
everything and that’s out of my control. Like bachelor M said, either something
will happen organically or it just won’t; you can’t force it.
9. Being a widowed parent is
the “gift” that keeps on “giving.” (Crazy hard.)
Yeah, so it’s ridiculously sad to
lose your partner and co-parent. You see that the loss is multi-faceted and
nuanced while you attempt to parent the grieving children you have with him and
learn to live a totally new, difficult life. As you make strides in dealing
with the fallout, you realize that the world isn’t too easy on single parents
let alone only parents. When you try to find a partner, being immediately
eliminated from consideration due to widowed parenthood is just another punch
in the gut.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
10. My marriage continues
to bestow real gifts on me, they are just not tangible. (Amazing.)
Why do I want the dating thing to eventually produce a new "person," a true partner? Because I know just how wonderful it is
to love a great person and be treasured in return. Chris showed me how to be part
of a team. He showed me that real love doesn’t end. I don’t get any kind of
physical sign of it these days, but our love is there underneath everything. It
won’t go away, either, should I find another partner. Finding that kind of love to enjoy with a living person will not be easy, but worth it.
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