The Lows are Lower

A kind colleague asked me today if things were going okay since I looked a little... I filled in the unfinished comment: worn out by life? (Out of control? Disheveled? Defeated?) I appreciated the concern and assured my friend that things are going okay, but I am indeed worn out by life. This was a tough, sad week. I learned several things that I wished I hadn't. The main lesson is that in my fragile state, normal lows are knocking me lower than ever. 

I made a mistake yesterday of spontaneously chasing after what seemed like the perfect dog at a shelter that is a decent drive from home, on a school night. This shelter business is killing me! They require the whole family to be there and it takes hours just to talk to anyone about the dogs, and the information given ahead of time is sketchy at best and incorrect at worse. Plus they make it so you leave with the dog that day and pets are adopted quickly. You have to be ready to move quickly if you are picky, which we are. Anyway, we got our hopes super sky high again for a little lab mix puppy said online to be 13 weeks and about 10 pounds. I called about her and the advice was to Hurry! Come Quickly! Quick as you can!

(how can you resist this face?)

Of course we did, which was not quickly at all in Boston traffic. Once finally there, we fell in love with her and all of her siblings when we saw them in the little puppy kennels. We waited forever to talk to an adoption counselor and visited all of the puppies. The K pups were so cute (all siblings had K names), and Kaydee the best of all. Then we were basically staging our adoption picture in the waiting room because we were so excited. Finally we were allowed to meet little Kaydee outside her kennel in a play room. Oh my, she was sweet and cute and we were losing our hearts to her as she gave us kisses and played.

There was something not ideal for us, though. We saw that her legs were extremely short for a lab. The adoption counselor thought she had basset hound in her. 

(Kaydee's sister)

N and I met eyes and had an unspoken conversation - we don't like that body shape for dogs, we had already decided not that long/low dog type, so it will not be this dog after all. Later googling made us feel good about our decision. The bassadors are supposed to be wonderful companion dogs, but prone to obesity and back problems.

(adult "bassador" from the internet, is it a seal?)

We met a different lab pup who was said to be the same age but seemed much older. He was twice as big with nice long legs, but J was scared. No go. Mind you it was 7:30 at night by now... We left, dogless and bereft, and more than one of us cried a little in the car. Those kids pulled through - they really handled it well - but it was sure disappointing when we had brought a leash, dog treats, and a box with old towels for her to ride home with us.

I woke up this morning with a deep malaise. That Kaydee had wiggled her way right up into my broken heart and started puppy-ing a few pieces back together. To leave without her smashed them apart again and was a lower low than I expected. It took a while to pull myself out of bed and get anything productive going this morning; everyone just barely got off to school and the kitchen is still a wasteland. It was a lost puppy love "hangover." 

Something similar happened earlier in the week when I had expected something to go well in lab and it didn't. I really wanted to publish this student experiment I have been working on for years, this was the last week of the project and it just wasn't great. I did some trouble-shooting and editing of the procedure for Wednesday's section and it DOES work (I feel quite indignant!), but the students needed more explicit guidance than the procedure the way I had written it at first. I had been looking forward to writing a paper on it this summer, but now will have to re-think that or at least re-frame it. What should not have been a big deal felt like an enormous disappointment, dejection would be accurate.   

There were some parenting lows. There were some crummy parts to my legal dealings. I have realized that strangers make assumptions about me as a single parent, as a widow, as a woman making decisions alone. None of that is fun. But mostly there is an overwhelming sadness under everything. I miss Chris so much. He made me laugh and not take myself so seriously. He always listened and softened life's lows by sharing them. I just miss him.